Sunday, October 30, 2005

The Three Sisters

I think you would be proud of me. I was cordial to Theo at the wedding, and enjoyed some moments warming Dolly's hands with mine after she got a chill posing for photographs at the church before the wedding.

It was a brief ceremony that began with a slide show of the bride and groom. Afterward, the best part was Willa. She came up behind Georgia and me, wiggled her way between us, slid her arms through ours and said, "I have been waiting so long for the three of us to be together." "Let's run away!" (Can you guess who said that?) And Willa replied, "Where shall we go?" Georgia suggested Costa Rica. Someplace warm. Someplace relaxing. Somewhere far away.

So, the three sisters were together momentarily. It's a start, and I will take it.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Adjustments

"It's colder than a witch's tit in a brass brassiere", as Allie, father of my old friend Sunny, used to say. We always found great joy in quoting him with just the right bravado and inflection. And I am getting a cold. Fuck. Laryngitis seems to be the most recent plague at school.

But as if to save the day, one funky and wonderful student came to class yesterday dressed as Jesus, and for once I enjoyed the blatant mixing of church and state. He even looked like he floated down the hallway. A natural. Hell, I felt blessed.

Steven left two weeks ago (physically, I mean). Not the sort of "leaving" that occurred over the past three years, where the person you think you know gradually becomes someone else, but he is gone. So that is that, I guess, and I am adjusting to this house in a different way. Actually, I am trying to make myself feel better by buying things. A duvet cover may do it! Or perhaps a lamp or two? Picture frames to house the likenesses of those I love. Maybe candles in the bathroom, a subtle scent that releases happiness from the subconscious? Little things to bring joy. I search for peace in small things. Pillows. A shell. The color turquoise. Bare feet on a jute rug.

Georgia's daughter gets married today, and I am headed to the wedding later this afternoon with some reluctance, as Theo is staying at Dolly's with Georgia. I would like my sisters to gather around me right now, circle the wagon, spend late nights drinking wine and laughing and swearing our undying devotion. TV sisters. Some ideal version of "sisters" that I have dredged up from the dark recesses of my mind. Fingers tied together with string.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

The Truth about Extraterrestrials

The disappointing disappearance of
the last living flower in the universe
gives way
to a New Dimension

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perhaps lauded by less-well-known scientists
pacing long illuminated corridors
Late at night

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studied intently by quiet extraterrestrials
Gliding Smoothly up glass walls
outside

In the dark

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an eyewitness!
Dangerous Housewife
Extremist Fornicator of Aliens
Hysterical Mother of God
Forsaker of the Flower

Bearer of the new architecture.

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Young men prepare for war,

Old men weep at the garden floor
Collect petals for posterity
Listen to the soft sounds of new bonding

Refuse to go forth

Sunday, October 09, 2005

The Last Living Poem-Flower in the Universe

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Saturday, October 08, 2005

Moving-Flower Soup

Tonight in crisp twilight
The gardens hold on.

Delightful windy devils stir madly
Chin-out
Helter skelter
Smooth-riding
Spinning summer leaf decay

Frogs burrow into deep cold
Black fragrant mud
Come to rest

Sweep down on me!
sitting on raw stone pathway
my fingertips break the chilly mirror upon which water lilies ride proudly

Smiling I paint rough stones with pond soup,
thick with the leftovers of summer

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And Until I No Longer Dream My Old Dreams I Will Stand at the Gate of Death

Awakened first in the middle of the night by AJ's desperate voice on the answering machine, ("Mom! I'm across from the subway stop. I had to tip-out tonight and I don't have money to get home!"), I was later awakened in surprise by the presence of an old recurring dream.

The basic plot is always the same. I am, usually by chance, in the presence of an old friend who was once an important part of my life. It is sometimes Elvis, or another long-ago lover, the one who wore a big winter coat. Alone, I enter the activity of their world, sometimes at a party, or a gallery opening. I am always excited to see them and I approach, hoping to make a connection, but they either don't see me or more often are uninterested in my presence. Sometimes the scenario gives me a bit more hope, and I think my old friend will acknowledge me, but it becomes obvious that they are avoiding me.

Gee, do you see how I might pick the wrong men? Ones who will forsake everything for me? But hell, isn't that what our culture demands, with marriage and monogamy and Christian virtue? We believe that investing money in an extravagant wedding indicates the value of the institution. And I have tried to believe in the institution, the legality, the folklore that teaches that parents must stay together to raise healthy children. The folklore that staying in a marriage for the long haul will bring a reward that you can experience no other way. That marriage is normal.

But I have walked away from normal. All my fears overtake me and I wonder if I can muster enough enthusiasm about life to care about the future. I am ready to cast aside all of those driving forces of our culture, all of the rules of attraction, all of the taken for granted. All of the tradition. In limbo, I wait to begin a new life. I, who dream of being taken care of, somehow became the caretaker of the world.

I tell Mallory that I don't want to see her any more.
MJ: Maybe I am doing the same thing with you that I have done with Steven. I didn't speak out. I stayed too long. I let your needs override mine, because I considered you the authority.

Mallory: When real-life patterns manifest themselves in therapy, real work can be done. I believe that you should stay.

MJ: I am afraid of my affection for you. I want to disappear from it. Maybe so I won't be hurt by it. You are my therapist. This friendship can only go so far.

Mallory: I genuinely care about you. Yes, there is money involved, there are boundaries, but that enables the work to be done.
I think about how people attach themselves to others, sometimes in healthy ways and sometimes not, and how deeply those currents run through our souls. I have left old friends behind, and those I have loved.

Funny, my heart literally hurts every time I think about our 18-year-old cat who died this spring. Her death was somehow connected to the death of my marriage. So deeply attached to her, years ago she would seek me out and insist that I follow her to the closet and stay close-by until her babies were born. I would admire them. Sometimes one beautiful calico, wet and unmoving, refused to enter the world. Cali's persistent tongue, her intense scrutiny, were useless, and I carried the one away. Perhaps that was my assigned job, to wait at the gate of death.

Divorce papers have been filed. My life now takes a turn. Through all of the fear ("You have a lot going on!" says Mallory), I see the future as if in a dream. Smiling, I find myself by chance in my own presence. I once was an important part of my life, and I am glad to see me! I enter the activity of my world and approach, hoping to make a connection. Holding my breath, detached observer that I am, I watch myself turn and acknowledge me. I am glad to see me.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Hiding

I am so fucking boring. I have receded. I no longer talk about personal things.

Like, what the hell.
I am getting a divorce.

My mother has Altzheimers Disease.

I hate my job.

I have an auto-immune disorder. And the worse part is, now I feel like I belong.


And you?

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Thinking About Young People (Again)

Rev Mykeru has a link to SteathBadger from his most recent post (and most excellent, I might add...Gidget loves Mykeru!), where he calls out liberal "A-List" bloggers for ignoring traditional marches as being ineffective and outdated:
After the up that was the march on Saturday, seeing at least 150,000 people get off their duffs and show up in Washington DC to voice their disapproval for a war that is totally in the red on the ledger of justification, it was a big let down to see how the liberal "A-List" bloggers handled the whole thing.
Here are some photos taken by StealthBadger in Washington DC at the United for Peace & Justice March, on September 24, 2005. (StealthBadger.net)

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"Bombing 4 Peace is Like Fucking 4 Virginity"

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Where is The Age of Aquarius?

Young people are so freakin clever. I was reminded of that today as I impatiently entered answer after answer on "The Alignment Test" on OKCupid. The test, based on the five facets to a person's alignment in the game Dungeons and Dragons (Good, Evil, Law, Chaos, and Neutrality), is supposed to reveal which of your character traits are strongest. Isn't that cute and clever that some kid spent their spare time creating a test? It sounds like work to me.

There are so many really bright people out there. It's too bad they aren't in charge of the world. The people in charge spend their time figuring out how to keep the rabble in line so their destructive and selfish agenda can continue while the really smart people are repressed. Like scientists ignored by the Bush government. Like hackers. Like everyday whiz kids on the internet who think they have no power.

The uncontrolled environment of the Internet has gotta be really scary for control-freaks like the Bush administration, who need to filter information, propogandize and spin to feed the status quo. I keep my ears peeled for news about government policing the Internet. I think the free distribution of information on the Internet is our only hope. It is "the new grass roots". And if we try to keep "evil" out (a stupid argument which always seems to get the moral high ground), we are also going to keep out the good. When people with authority talk about bloggers not being "real reporters" I take it as a sign that real reporting is getting done by bloggers. And is it getting done anywhere else?

Anyhow, I am heartened by all of the smart young people out there, writing books and inventing clever games and making movies and writing witticisms on their blogs. I wonder how we can translate that into young people who are changing the world? My character in the D&D game turned out to be Neutral-Good, like Mother Theresa, like Ghandi, like Sidhartha Gautama, like Gandalf, like The Dali Lama...... and yet I am just selfishly holding on. I am trying to pay the house payment and get to work on time and survive without suffering. How can I expect young people to do any differently?

But I do. I expect young people to change the world, to blow the selfish and cruel habits of our government out of the water. To demand kindness and peace and a healthy environment. To recognize when they are being distracted into complacency by the media. To be true role models. To rise up. To save the world. Man. I have high expectations, don't I?