Holidays, Birthdays, Happiness, Sadness, Mothers and Friends

Why am I grouchy and sad and overwhelmed?! Oh, I remember why. It’s Christmas! Not only have we co-opted a day that is about love and sacrifice and made it a selfish capitalistic orgy, but we have placed expectations on ourselves that doom us to failure. I cannot make everyone in my family a scarf. I push myself to the edge of sanity making ONE scarf.

I think part of my melancholy is about my mom, and what the holidays were like with her. I can’t rise to the level of wonderfulness that she was, and I miss her. Life wasn’t perfect, I mean my dad was a mean depressed drunk and all, but my mom was beautiful and giving and loving and you KNEW she loved you. No mistake about it. Her departure really left a hole. Especially during the holidays, and my birthday. She never forgot me. She was the one I knew would always love me. She was funny and popular and knew everybody in town and everybody loved her. I rode on her coattails. She was so unlike me, and she knew me so well. She was a master at making me laugh, she knew I had hives because I was stressed (when I didn’t have a clue), she never read a book, she was loyal, she was basic, she was full of fun, she held the family together, she was mine.

I am acutely aware that one day my own kids will be dealing, each in their own way, with my departure. I hope they remember that I was THEIRS. Everyone needs someone that really sees them, and really loves the shit out of them. Even if they aren’t perfect. Even if they drink too much. Even if they swear. Even if they don’t read books. Even if they failed or if they succeeded, or if they left, or if they came back again. These days I just try and love my kids unconditionally and discern where our relationship will take us.

Happy Holidays, Friends. This year I am most thankful for you. You know, I think my mom would have really liked you.





“What is the feeling when you’re driving away from people and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? — it’s the too huge world vaulting us, and it’s good-by. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies. “