Keep On Keepin On
My blog and I are having our two-year anniversary celebration today, and I must confess that I've been considering a break-up. I have been feeling the need to put this site to sleep and move on to something new and improved (hasn't everyone?). Perhaps I am in need of something more transformative something more "real". On the other hand it's good discipline and decent company when friends are scarce.
As usual, I struggle. This space has become important to me even if no one else is reading it (blog friends blow through your life like ghosts on the highway). It may be too personal, not entertaining enough, lacking focus. Ultimately I am talking to myself, entertaining myself, carrying on a relationship with myself, which admittedly has been my most intimate relationship during the hardest years of my life...
Today I'm missing sassy Veronica and white sand, I'm missing NYC, beautiful Mo and PS lying on a gold silk sheet with their feet in the air speeding through NYC in the back of a pickup truck. I miss pure AJ sweetness, intelligence and strength. I have seen a natural wonder of the world carry a burden on his back up a steep path, and now I have PC withdrawal. I'm thankful for all of that. It gives me hope.
I'm also sad for all the lost promise of the past. But I'll keep on keepin on. Let the future come.
posted by MJ @ 10:36 AM
7 comments
7 Comments:
A sincere happy anniversary to you! Sorry to come across as one of those "ghost[s] on the highway." I tend to get so caught up in my own little world here--and then neglect to comment. But rest assured, I still visit and read and enjoy immensely. I believe our pact is still in effect for a little while. So it seems only right that you not give this up just yet.
Best,
Ryan
Thanks Ryan. I'm just in a funk. Maybe it's due to traveling, the concentrated vivid experience it brings, followed by solitude and introspection. I envy people who are content with their lives. How do you want to spend the rest of your life, BR? (Besides loving and caring for Emerson. I mean you.)
I wasn't chiding you for not commenting. We are all ghosts on this highway, I think. I remember our pact (how dramatic, shall we seal it in blood?) and of courseI want to do what is right! Why else would I have chosen that Thoreau quote for the top of my page?
Cookie, I think of you, too. And I know you are out there.
Congrats on two years my favorite wordsmith.
Thanks Melina, and congrats to you on your marriage. This "deliriously happy" phase you're in must feel pretty damn good!
"How do you want to spend the rest of your life, BR? (Besides loving and caring for Emerson. I mean you.)"
MJ, I wish I could answer that for you. For me. Loving and caring for Em is really all I want right now. All I am good at. I like material things, and travel, and leisure, and movies, and books, and laughing, and sarcasm, and occasional cogency, and all things inappropriate. I like being alone and am good at it. It is nice to be good at something. But we all have desires, I suppose. I'm not entirely immune. I've not quite figured how to accomodate (assimilate?) those desires without misleading folks. Honesty is what I know; yet so many seem baffled when in honesty's wake. In short, I've no idea what I want. I wouldn't mind a little bit of happiness. I do have that daily with Em, but realistically I suppose I require it on another level. I'm "happy" being an old maid. But the tangible is sometimes necessary in order to avoid eventual madness--(Do you think?)
Hope you are good.
Best,
Ryan
Eventual madness?... hmmm, I'm just worried about present madness. (I have no idea what I want either, by the way.)
It is hard work trying to sort out "societal norms" from authentic desires. Maybe especially if you are a woman, because in 2006 women are still brought up believing the fairy tale (Disney, Christianity) that they can be "rescued", even if rationally they know it isn't true. Even though there is a 70% divorce rate(?), we still hold on to the notion that another person can 'complete' us (gag-sorry) and that we can live happily ever after. We still believe that if we pair up with someone and are monogamous we are doing what God wants, and that it is somehow shameful and we have failed if we can't stick it out.
I want to be content being alone. I guess that's sort of a litmus test for me. When I get to the point where I'm not wanting to count on somebody else for happiness, where I like myself the way I am, I will have reached a good goal.
As a man, good luck in a world where women are totally conflicted. They are taught to be what men want, always trying to transform themselves into sex objects (the huge market for plastic surgery!) because their self-worth depends on it, while at the same time needing the opposite -independence and self-validation.
Bottom line? I want to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. Really, couldn't we do pretty much anything we want? Sometimes horoscopes seem so right-on. Here's mine from a couple days ago:
What would you do if you weren't afraid? Ask yourself that question in all kinds of situations, from the mundane to the sublime. You might just start identifying your true desires -- and acting on them.
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