I Need Medical Marijuana. Stat.

I saw The DaVinci Code today, but it wasn't the movie that left an impact. In fact, I hardly remember it. By the time the feature presentation began, my psyche had shut down to protect itself.

The problem was that I arrived twenty minutes early, thereby witnessing the most horrifyingly bad locally produced advertising ever created. Seriously. Is their strategy to repel customers? It's working! The jingles were made by monkeys. Wait. That's a compliment. And why are there so many wedding-related ads in the freaking theater? Maybe we will subliminally decide that getting married is a good idea and suddenly want to rush out and buy the worst dresses imaginable. If they accenctuated the worst features of the chubby local models, I'm sure they'll look stunning on us. Fuckin-A. What is with the jewelry store "revolving wedding ring" presentation? It was ugly from one angle, did we need to stare at it while it turned? I almost vomited. Really. And did you know they are now shooting profanity-inducing ads for local churches? The one that finally turned me away from God featured some lifeless white guys singing a stiff "worship at our place" ditty while we watched a black choir tear it up on screen. Which could represent everything that is wrong with our country. And the Christian church.

Movie theater advertising is the 'bargain basement' of local TV advertising. Which means it's almost fascinatingly bad. By the time the movie started I was exhausted by a loop of unsurpassed visual and aural offensiveness. It was amazing. My mind twitched everytime the volume changed. I was spooked. I felt like I was getting shot at. I couldn't sit still. Wiggling in my seat next to a family of five who were heartily chowing-down on the popcorn-candy-pop special, I was traumatized. I had acquired PTSD from hideously conceived and poorly produced advertising. Who knew this could happen?