Dolly's Diagnosis III: Life is a Bowl of Cherries
I know there are no perfect families. But what the hell! After Willa told me (actually she asked my brother-in-law to tell me) about Dolly's diagnosis and then they promptly left, I sent them a text message:
Mom thought I was one of my kids today. That's the first time that has happened. Did you tell her friends? I think they ought to know, especially her best friend. Let me know if you want me to call anyone, or come over... or whatever.Yesterday I received an e-mail from my brother-in-law:
Hi MJ - We got your text message. We don't think contacting Dolly's friends and telling them that she has early Alzheimers is wise. We think her friends see her often and know what she can and cannot do. That's enough. They can call it having a "senior moment" or "getting old is hell" or whatever, but they don't have to have a label for it. I think that if there was some special effort by us to ask them to look out for her because she has Alzheimers would possibly result in an undesirable label or stigma that your Mom is better off without for the time being.And I shot off a response:
It wasn't my intention that her friends "look out for her". They already know Dolly has more than "senior moments". It's obvious. And they are her friends! I just don't "get" keeping it from her best friend. She loves Mom and I don't believe she would do anything to hurt her. It must be weird watching that happen to a good friend and being kept out of the loop. What negatives do you worry about? Maybe I haven't thought this through enough to realize all of the negative things that could happen. I know that our family has a problem with secrecy and it has hurt all of us. (Speaking of which, isn't it sort of weird that my sister Willa doesn't contact me ever, but myIn retrospect, why shouldn't her friends "look after" Dolly? Why shouldn't they have the opportunity to spend time with her with the knowledge of her disease? They would be able to direct the conversation toward the past, where Dolly is comfortable. They could give her kindness. Why would we isolate her by not telling?
brother-in-law sends me messages?) You guys have taken care of Mom for years and I really appreciate it. Don't take this message the wrong way, I only want to talk, something our family hasn't been good at.
Our family is fucked. Willa is filled with resentment about all of the ways she has been wronged, and Georgia is emotionally gone. Just pulled out and decided on a life with Theo. Last night I called her, hoping for some connection that never happened. She told me about a planned trip to see her kids. "We are going" was quickly changed to "I am going' to see my kids." She can't tell me the truth. All of us putting on a "face", protecting ourselves. Are we sisters? We are "separate". Sicker than Dolly could ever be. I finally blubbered some shit about how much I love mom, "how much I love you Georgia, wah wah wah!", and hung up. God! I am such an asshole!
Dolly is oblivious to the bullshit and always has been, or at least she can pretend. She must have learned that from living with an unhappy man. I remember looking at her right after my dad died. She was sitting in a chair, pale and tired, wearing a colorful embroidered sweater that said "Life is a bowl of cherries."
posted by MJ @ 5:05 AM
4 comments
4 Comments:
This is Cookie --- I got a new browser and can't remember my passwords. :=D
All my dad's friends knew more about what was going on with him than we did. Except my sister, but that's because she's a nurse and could guess at quite a bit. It wasn't until he went in the hospital for the last time that we found a short note written the year before in which he said "I hope it's not too late."
Your mom's friends likely already have guessed simply because they're having to face the same kinds of challenges. It would be so much easier for them, though, if you could tell them --- at least her best friend. There's a kind of cognitive dissonance in suspecting but not knowing for sure and, even though hearing is really, really hard, ultimately, it makes it so much easier because you can figure out what you're dealing with.
See, for me, I didn't realize my dad had dementia until after hhe'd been in a coma for a month. And I didn't realize the profound damage the woman across the street was doing until the night she trapped me in the parking lot of the hospital and started screaming he hates you he hates you he's always hated you! Then, suddenly, all the pieces fell together. Then, I found out virtually every female in that woman's vicinity had had the same experience with her and thought she was nuts.
It would have been so much easier had I known all along he had dementia. I'm certain the same is true for your mom's best friend.
Bear in mind, though, family relationships tend to get strained to the breaking point over this stuff. This is the stuff that causes all hell to break loose. Don't just tell your mom's friend without first telling your family, especially the primary caretakers.
This is the roughest stuff there is. Having a very ill child may be the only thing worse. Really. Seriously.
Dolly's best friend is the mother of a friend of mine (and Veronica) from high school. Veronica spoke with him last night and his mother said that Dolly loudly announced to her Bridge-playing friends last Wednesday that she has Alzheimers and is taking Aricept! Casually, like she has a cold. So apparently she remembered (at least overnight) that she had the disease, and didn't seem the least ruffled by it. I guess the ladies were mortified. But grateful to know, I'm sure. I'm glad it happened that way. Dolly has the right to tell whoever she wants, though I still may get blamed for "everything". I feel like I am screaming bloody murder jumping up and down flapping my arms throwing myself on the ground to get the attention of my sisters as they quietly avoid eye contact, sitting calmly so as to accentuate my madness. It sucks being the youngest. (-;
I took the day off today. I'm a puffy-eyed mess. I think I need to get a cat.
I'm thinking about you. I am sorry for you and for your family. I am.
You know, a cat can be a good thing. Arrogant, loving fuckers.
Best,
Ryan
Thank you, Ryan. What a perfect comment to find this morning as I get ready for work.
Arrogant and loving. Yes. It does sound ideal.
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