Will Do!

I am now beginning the third day of mid-winter break which is actually the start of the fourth day if you count Thursday (which I took off to appear in court to finalize my a, the divorce), which I do.

I do! Funny phrase, "I do," isn't it? Maybe on your wedding day saying, "will do" would be more effective. You know exactly the right inflection for these two words, don't you? Like, Q: "When you bring the supplies, pull the truck around to the back, ok?" A: "Will do." It says "I understand. No problem. I can do this. I cooperate." But not without an act of will. And it might set our orientation more realistically to the future as we're signing our lives away to one person.

I suppose "I don't" is my phrase right now, although that sounds so negative, like "I don't do housecleaning. There is no future in this phrase. No resonance, like "I do," which seems to ring like a bell. Perhaps a bell of doom, but a bell nonetheless. No one knows how to rightly inflect "I do". Do you say it dreamily? The wedding day is so serious (but with just the right mix of "joy", of course) and if you mess with the mix, the onlookers will think you are a smartass. Fuck it. We are so afraid of displeasing others, or ourselves. "I don't." Clunk.

After renting Hustle and Flow the other night, about a Memphis pimp trying to live his dream of becoming a rapper, Terrence Howard is on my list of favorites. He is so good. Then I watched Murderball, a documentary about quadriplegic rugby players. I have a lot of respect for these guys with "disabilities" who have much more determination and live fuller lives than most people I see.

And I bought The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle (thanks, Gene) and am enjoying bits of it in bed each night. I love Haruki Murakami already, and am barely out of his alley and back gardens.

Hell, I even bought a series of Yoga DVD's and I've taken to exercising with Denise Austin. And I now own a big red exercise ball that sits brightly in the corner of my livingroom just waiting for me. It's almost like having a pet. I think I have everything I need.

After all, we are essentially alone, aren't we? Marriage doesn't change that, or book clubs, do they Mallory, or nights out with friends. That's all good, but sometimes we just need to feel the aloneness. Just feel it for what it is and not run away from it. It's not scary. It just is. And tomorrow? I "will do".