Saturday, November 19, 2005

A Happy Plan

It has been cold as hell around these parts. In the 20's, and Thursday at dusk I locked myself out of the house and had to be rescued, which for some reason really threw me. After Huck bailed me out and I promised to make extra keys, I fell apart.

Maybe running in place on frozen ground with no shoes was emotionally draining. Hmmm. How long would a person survive under these conditions, I asked myself? Facing my vulnerability got to me. Maybe I'm just not used to being alone. Whatever the reason, I had already downed a glass of wine on an empty stomach, and I fell apart. Cried the rest of the night. At one point in the sorry evening which was already thick with longing, I remembered kneeling over our cat as she died this spring, watching her eyes dry up and turn opaque while her body continued its shallow automatic breathing. She was gone and I knew it but I didn't know it. Ok. I gotta stop that. Somehow when she died everything fell apart. Maybe I thought she had not nine, but limitless lives. Grandmother cat. Soulful cat. Sassy infinite one.

Anyhow, I think I totally dehydrated myself and yesterday at work my eyes were bloodshot (to say the least) and puffy. God! A good cry is exhausting. This morning things appear to be somewhat cheerier, but hell, how could they not?

So it seems that I am not the only one to be turning to the demon alcohol recently. Cookie has discovered that "it's easier to do chores when you're a bit drunk", and Mykeru's recent alcohol confession makes me feel like a sissy-drunk. With his usual panache, he is the most creative of the self-haters. Who can top this: "I'm a 170 lb bag of meat. A walking alimentary canal where things go in one end and out the other. At the age of 40, I'm no longer young and, in fact, I have nothing to look forward to but decay and the adult diaper years. " The Gidget-drunk loves the Mykeru-drunk and all of the typos that go with it.

So. Where to go from here? I think Happiness Training is the ticket. Don't you? Intro to Meditation, 2:30-4:30 today. It's a plan.

2 Comments:

At 9:10 AM, Blogger MJ said...

Of course, soul-sister. Of course.

 
At 9:22 AM, Blogger MJ said...

By the way, I was watching a little indie movie that night called "Happy Endings", the plot of which was unclear but which at the time perfectly accentuated my view of the hopelessness of the human condition.

Any small kindness can trigger a breakdown these days.

This morning I watched the Dalai Lama being interviewed by Charlie Rose and I think I fell in love.

 

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