A Happy Plan

It has been cold as hell around these parts. In the 20's, and Thursday at dusk I locked myself out of the house and had to be rescued, which for some reason really threw me. After Huck bailed me out and I promised to make extra keys, I fell apart.

Maybe running in place on frozen ground with no shoes was emotionally draining. Hmmm. How long would a person survive under these conditions, I asked myself? Facing my vulnerability got to me. Maybe I'm just not used to being alone. Whatever the reason, I had already downed a glass of wine on an empty stomach, and I fell apart. Cried the rest of the night. At one point in the sorry evening which was already thick with longing, I remembered kneeling over our cat as she died this spring, watching her eyes dry up and turn opaque while her body continued its shallow automatic breathing. She was gone and I knew it but I didn't know it. Ok. I gotta stop that. Somehow when she died everything fell apart. Maybe I thought she had not nine, but limitless lives. Grandmother cat. Soulful cat. Sassy infinite one.

Anyhow, I think I totally dehydrated myself and yesterday at work my eyes were bloodshot (to say the least) and puffy. God! A good cry is exhausting. This morning things appear to be somewhat cheerier, but hell, how could they not?

So it seems that I am not the only one to be turning to the demon alcohol recently. Cookie has discovered that "it's easier to do chores when you're a bit drunk", and Mykeru's recent alcohol confession makes me feel like a sissy-drunk. With his usual panache, he is the most creative of the self-haters. Who can top this: "I'm a 170 lb bag of meat. A walking alimentary canal where things go in one end and out the other. At the age of 40, I'm no longer young and, in fact, I have nothing to look forward to but decay and the adult diaper years. " The Gidget-drunk loves the Mykeru-drunk and all of the typos that go with it.

So. Where to go from here? I think Happiness Training is the ticket. Don't you? Intro to Meditation, 2:30-4:30 today. It's a plan.