It's All Good

We do not commonly live our life out and full: we do not fill all our pores with our blood: we do not inspire and expire fully and entirely enough....We live but a fraction of our life. Why do we not let on the flood, raise the gates, and set all our wheels in motion? - Thoreau

To find your real self, you must lose yourself. You must put aside thoughts about your own birth and death if you are to get anywhere. - Ch'an Master Sheng Yen

There is so much going on lately. My mind is everywhere. Shall I write more Florida Postcards, or perhaps some thoughts about the future? I'm planning a New York trip this summer, to see AJ and Mo, and there has been some drama there! And I finally got a message from Georgia yesterday, after I sent her an e-mail telling her that Dolly fell and has a black eye and five stitches. Here's part of her message:

Lately I seem to make a lot of mistakes and probably shouldn't be driving a car. I am tired and I work too much -- full time plus many nights and Saturdays, and usually work through lunch. I thought I would keep this job until I retire, but am not sure now; I like to work but I don't want to die on the job. Theo and I are fighting lately and that wears me out, too. It seems like I just can't talk to anyone --probably just depressed as hell. I love you but don't quite know what to do to pull out of this. I am going to try to come out and see Dolly this summer for a quick trip, but right now I feel like I wouldn't live through it. I am really thinking about dying a lot again, but I've made it through before -- I didn't say that to worry you; I am fine, really.

Being the concerned and compassionate sister, I gave Georgia some uplifting advice:

First, make an appointment with a psychotherapist immediately and kick that motherfucker Theo to the curb.

Hmmm. I haven't heard back.

My mind is also on this blog, which is now one year old. I have been wondering what that means. Again I ask myself, am I running from or am I running toward? My goal was to discipline myself to write, and I did that, but there were some unexpected twists and turns.

My very first post was agonizing. I set out determined to tell the truth and make myself vulnerable, and I revealed that I wanted a new life, which was huge for me, as I knew it was there for Huck, Auggie, Mo and AJ to see. (I am used to making myself invisible, kids!) And what do you know. It's happening. For good or bad, a new life is being wrangled and the old one overturned. So, kids, be careful what you wish for.

He used often to say there was only one Road; that it was like a great tributary. 'It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out of your door,' he used to say. 'You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to.

Gene was the first person to leave me a comment. I remember looking at it, mortified. I had been found out. Once I left a message on his site that said his writing was "raw, yet plodding." He took it really well, and he is one of the most mesmerizing writers I have come across in the blogosphere.

Then my little family of bloggers developed, which is just right for me. A funky colorful group of varied ages, interests and inclinations. All generous, all intelligent, all talented and (let's face it) all a little off-center. Perfect.

I remember thinking that it would be really interesting if the comments became the heart of the blog and the posts were secondary. Well, that happened, too. A friend that I grew to respect and whose words I valued left without a trace, which still hurts. God! I guess you can't distance yourself from the sting of life, even here in the blogosphere (where identities are so malleable). I must admit, I still look for that friend, and wonder if they ever check up on me. I miss them. But then again, "Maybe it's because I didn't know you at all." (Jeff Buckley)

Reflecting on the past year, I wish my blog had more focus. I look around sometimes and see magnificent freakin' blogs. (How irritating! Jesus!) And what the hell? Some people are so prolific! The Bee-atches! But it's all good! (That became Veronica's and my mantra during the Florida trip). I'm not as impatient as I used to be. Change is inevitable. It's coming. I'm not pushing as hard.

So am I running from or am I running toward? Perhaps I am balanced in between. Again, I remind myself to just chill, and enjoy where this trip takes me.

She wears her heart like a leaf on the surface of a pond