Wu-wei

I believe that I committed, this afternoon, to spend ten days with Veronica in Florida this summer. I say "I believe" because I had just gotten out of work, was decompressing from a stressful day at school and my side of the conversation consisted of incoherent babbling into my cell phone while driving. Which is kinda scary, isn't it?

The school counselor has begun to tell some of the students that they won't be passing certain classes this year, and it is causing great upheaval. Hell, I made some minor seating chart changes today and hysteria ensued. Public school is a trip, kids. A real trip.

Conversation with Wendy, my friend and comrade, who teaches in the room next door:
Me: "I'm not doing well. I'm irritated. No, maybe I'm depressed."
Wendy: "About school or outside of school?"
Me: "School. I hate the students. All of them."
Wendy laughs. She proceeds to give me tips for dealing with irate parents: "I just say, 'You know, you are probably right. Their grade shouldn't be that low.' Then I add enough points to bring up the student's grade and I call the parent back and say, 'It was my mistake. I'm just not used to this new gradebook program yet." Wise Wendy.

I'm not sure how long I will be able to keep working at the salt mines. I am going over the edge. But then I was encouraged when a student from last year came back to visit me this afternoon. I know that he found some refuge in my classroom, some sense of belonging that he couldn't find anywhere else. Fuck.

So Veronica calls and wants to know when I am coming. She is ready to book tickets on a boat to the Keys and she wants me to stay for at least 10 days. Later she writes me an e-mail:

"You are SOOOO stressed out and need a break!  I want you to "Destress" when you get here.  Much time "lolling" around the pool. Drinking wine or whatever. I have a few places to treat you to dinner that I want you to have. I also want to do the Key West trip for 2 or 3  days. We'll take the boat, we'll buy some food and wine for morning and afternoon...spend our evenings out.  I am also taking you PARASAILING..a most amazing feeling!  You are going to RELAX while you are here and feel a little pampered ( I hope) You deserve a big BREAK and it's time you had it! Naples is beautiful. You love art...we have the nicest art museums in Fla. We can do that, we'll go to the pier and watch the dolphins. You can sit on the lanai and listen to the palm trees with a glass of wine.  You will relax! Best of all there will be NOOOO schedule. We'll make our plans as we go. Keeeedoke???   I love you MJ...always have.  Remember when you came to Fla. with me when we were in 9th grade?  You said it was "magical" when we ran around the beach at night.  Lets "duplicate" that feeling!    Sooooo, go online, check the airfares..plan for the 15th, 16th etc. I will make the reservations for Key West for the 18, 19 & 20th.  Okaaaaayy!  This will be fun.    Talk soon.  Love, V.

I don't know what has happened to me, but all of my "I want a new life!" exhuberance seems to have disappeared. Last summer as the school year drew to a close I had PLANS! NYC! Portland, Oregon! I was taking journeys, damn it! I was going after change!

Now I am filled with inertia. Maybe it's a necessary phase. Maybe it just takes me a long time to figure "things" out. And those "things" are very large, very life-changing, not like my little indecisions about summer trips.

So I'll force my mind to just focus on the summer. Hmmm, should I go to Florida when the house needs a new roof? And hundreds of other maintenance necessities? And I'm poor as hell?

I could spend the summer sitting at the picnic table in the yard lost in thought, in non-action, pushing thoughts deeper, preventing myself from acting in my life. Mallory has hit on something lately. Maybe I do pull away from relationships, recede out of fear of loss. Again, the strong confident exterior is lifted to reveal something quite alien and weak. Fuck. Double-fuck.

I talk myself in circles again. I am an expert at that, at least. Turn the circling thoughts off and I will be left with nothing. If I dwell in nothing I will have no regrets. Will I?

Should I go
should I stay
should I speak
should I remain silent
will I regret
will I know
will I care?

Less and less do you need to force things,
until finally you arrive at non-action.