Needy Selfless

I tell Mallory I have no discipline, that I spent &$%#@&! (obscene amount) on grad school just to impose some discipline on myself. She doesn't buy it, but that is her job. She builds me up (again). "You get up every day and go to work and you have been the sole support for your family for more than fifteen years. Isn't that discipline?" "You come to see me every week even when you think it is ineffective. Isn't that discipline?" "You got a *%$#!+&!! (motherfuckingworthless) degree. Isn't that discipline?" "Maybe you don't give yourself enough credit."

Mallory. I say. You stupid slut. (Oh, wrong script.) Mallory. Everything I do is doomed. If I try and achieve mindfulness I will eventually realize that life is meaningless. If I publish a book, I will be feeding wrong motives. If I love, I will not be selfless enough. All roads lead to my failure. All people will leave me. This is my specialty.

Fast forward to a re-run of Seinfeld last night. Elaine is chumming with the doubles of Jerry, George and Cramer. She is attuned to the shortcomings of her old friends, and chooses the newer versions, who envelope her with affection. I am fixated on the TV.

That feels good.