Push and Pull

Mallory thinks I pull away from people/experiences because I am afraid of something. (That is, when Mallory "gives" anything at all in our little weekly sessions. She mostly just sits and waits for me to wiggle my way into the "relevant" topic.) I am really trying to face this problem head-on, which is not easy because my mind is used to going in circles, justifying, rationalizing, seeing all sides until I can't think straight or make a decision.

Sometimes I think I am destined to walk a solitary path, and that is what I have been avoiding. Did I get married to avoid that? Has fear been the motivation behind every decision in my life? Sena, my old college friend, says she has seen it happen with her sister and other women friends. They are in relationships that are not good for them and suddenly the moment comes when they realize it and can act. It took a long time for me to see that some invisible thread was woven into the fabric of my marriage that was damaging to me. I actually thought "everything" (and I mean EVERYTHING, thank you Dolly) was my fault. I took it all on. Sena has seen so many women do the same.

So commitment became for me, running away. The hard part is to know when I am tricking myself! When moving toward relationship is healthy and when retreating is healthy. Example: Right now you know what my mind wants to do? It wants me to be a nun! (And this is a pretty recurrent thought.) It says, "Run!" "Run away from intimacy! Run like the wind! Run away from decisions! Run away from committment! Run away from responsibility! Run! Run! Run!"

I know we are all essentially alone in this journey through life and that all things change. We can depend on that. I want to be able to walk toward those things that scare me but more importantly I want to be able to navigate relationships with kindness and dignity. I want to learn how to love. (And I don't mean romantic relationships. Remember? I'm going to be a nun.)