Selfless Demons from Hell

Are we taught to create a common cultural identity, as children, through a series of performances that please our parents? Do we then, throughout our lives strive for the applause that the performance of our false identity brings?

We get applause when we are potty trained, adoring faces surround us when we take our first step, each good grade brings either effusive praise or money. And when we are older the marriage celebration brings overpowering love and support, financially and otherwise. The birth of our first child brings congratulations and feelings that we have pleased our parents once again.

The status quo seduces us as performers because it brings the best praise and acceptance -and money. Most of us don't question these so-called rites of passage. Mark Epstein, in his book Going on Being, provides a cultural critique of the parenting that trains us to perform and sets the stage for "...the sense of disconnection that often plagues people in the modern world."

"The intense pressure in our culture for individual attainment affects parents and children alike. All too often, at least in situations where children are not simply being ignored, from very early in life everyone worries about what will become of a child, about who (or what) they are going to be. There is little trust in the natural unfolding of the individual. The pressure is there from the beginning and is transmitted at all the landmarks of development, with parents who are insecure about their own achievements conditioning their children's approach to life. Sitting up, standing, going to the bathroom, walking, and talking (events that happen, miraculously, virtually on their own) become benchmarks of progress, ways of showing off, or means of assuaging parental anxiety. The result is often a sense of personal insecurity, for if we are only performers it is difficult to feel real." (p 136)

The rush that we get from our performance, as children, is hard to perpetuate into adulthood. Without this reinforcement how do we know who we are? We chase the affirmation, just as heroin addicts chase that first high. Maybe if I get another degree, and prove how smart I am, maybe if I buy the right car, wear the right clothes, or mold the right face and body I will receive the affirmation from strangers that I so desperately need.

Walking around constantly judging is a burden that we carry. I walk down a street and I continually place myself on a rating scale. Do I match up? Am I perceived as attractive? Is my accoutrement being accepted and can I perceive the subtle glance that accepts or rejects?

It is not so easy to reject this model. Those of us who rebelled were without support from those for whom we were taught to perform. We girded ourselves up with bad reactions. Their hate for us meant we were somehow more authentic. We challenged and rocked the boat.

But we eventually gave in to the seduction of belonging. We decided to believe we were part of a good and just society. We decided we were good citizens.

We graduated from college. (Applause, please.)
We got the job and the work ethic. (Applause, please.)
We got married. (Applause, please.)
We went to church. (Applause, please.)
We quit drinking. (Applause, please.)
We were selfless demons from hell. (Applause, please.)

Now we will get our good selves back.